Life as it happens!

4 strangers who touch my life everyday:

1) My auto-wallah – He is invariably the first person to call me up each morning.  He comes all the way from Mulund to Andheri and patiently waits outside my building every single day. While dropping me to my office, he entertains me with his stories which vary from his sex encounters (only with his wife!) to the mass destruction happening in Tanzania! His perspective is very different from mine and I feel enlightened when he speaks to me.

If you are reading it somehow, I am really glad you happened to me, Mr. Choubey! Couldn't have asked for a better chauffeur.

2) My cook – She is the one who wakes me up every morning. And, boy can she cook! She is definitely the second best cook in this world, obviously after my mother. Her specialty is to cook awesome food without many ingredients.

Even if we don’t have Aata at home, she still manages to cook delectable lunch. I think she steals raw materials from my neighbor’s house; nevertheless, it works for us.

I really owe my not-so-flat-stomach and delightful mood through the day to you, Deepa didi.

If gluttony is a sin, you have really made me a sinner. And, I am glad being one.

  

3) My Galaxy Note – Oh my note, I don’t think there was any better magnificent piece of architecture other than you! You beat Taj Mahal with your beauty, if I may say so.

You are really a source of endless information for me. You make me aware of the politics, sports, scandals, technology, videos..and the list goes on and on.

And, in the night when I am alone and I have this real strong urge to go incognito, my pal, you are still there for me.

You are really smart, amazingly intelligent and very touchy! With you in my bag, I swear I would never ever pay Apple tax in my life again.

4) Charlie Harper - Previously, there had been Joeys and Barneys in the entertainment world. And then came this super rocking dude called Charlie Harper.

 The real Charlie Sheen could be the epicenter of endless controversies, but Charlie Harper is so affable! He is very charming, extremely funny and oh-so-attractive.  

All you guys out there, even if you get just one percent of his wit and charm, I promise I would really marry you all (oops!).

I am indebted to Star World for arranging my date with him every night, before I go to sleep.

Sometimes, I wonder:

1. Who thought of the reply to “What’s up?” as “Nothing much” and then circulated it to every living soul of this country? How and when it became the standard reply?
2. Why were all the mushy feelings attributed to heart and not to, for instance, kidney or liver?
3. Who thought of rainy season as romantic; why was it universally accepted by all the poets? Had these poets never visited Bombay in monsoon season?
4. Why were Saturday and Sunday chosen as the weekly holidays? Wouldn’t it be more convenient if the weekly holidays were Wednesday and Sunday?
5. How did everyone in our country realize the importance of change money (chutte paise) that they never want to let them go? Was it taught by Gandhi as one of his talismans?
6. How did the generation of our parents and grandparents manage to look busy without computers in their offices? Did they keep refreshing the pages of the files kept on their desks?
7. Why ain’t all the days of a week of same duration? It would have been great if 24 hours of Monday were equal to 24 hours of Saturday.
8. Why is our to-do list not like drivers’? They never have any pending tasks for tomorrow.
9. How did we use to kill 15 seconds in an elevator in pre-cell phone days?
10. Why is it so important to end everything in multiples of 5 or 10? A lot of my grey cells would have been saved if I just ended this post with the first 9 points only!

Dedicated to someone who knows how to dream!

Often, we have fervently discussed about the corporate whores that we all are. There have been innumerable occasions when we all cribbed about our long work hours, bitched about our bosses, loathed our lives, cursed the Indian economy, hated our offices’ locations, abused anyone who used to enjoy his work..Heck, anything and everything related to our jobs.

At other times, in not so low spirits, we fantasized about leaving our fucking jobs; the mere thought of becoming the masters of our lives gave us our best orgasms ever! In our free times, we all have read about the journeys of several entrepreneurs, and instantly they became the Jim Morrisons of our lives. We subscribed to various entrepreneurial journals and magazines on our oh-so-cool cell phones and tablets (As an aside - we were able to afford them only because of our jobs!). We kept discussing about our virtual ventures and our innovative ideas with all our friends at every possible occasions. We had the logos and the names of our potential companies etched in our heads. Forget the reality; we were taking micro-steps towards realizing our dreams!

If not anything else, these ideas used to make interesting dinner table conversations. We used to get a few nods, encouraging smiles and some respite from our otherwise dull life. Only problem was we never had any timelines in mind to implement our ideas. And, deep down may be we didn't even have the courage to forgo the luxuries (read money) our jobs offered.

But, you, my friend, are different. Oh boy, you took that plunge and how! It is almost like losing your virginity to an extraordinarily beautiful, angelic, ever so charming, surreal vampire. Her touch is divine, love making with her is par excellence and you know you would just get one chance to do it. But, while you are at it, you may not know how risky it could be!

All I would say is, Go bro go, get laid! May you get the best sex of your life!

Bye-o-phobia!

There are just 2 types of people- one who know how to gracefully end a phone call conversation and the one who don’t.  There is no overlap between the two, just an awful lot of failed attempts by the latter to come in the former group. But, for all practical purposes, the barrier separating the 2 categories is insurmountable.

I am writing this out of my personal experiences. To begin with, I am not a phone person. Though I am a proud owner of a Blackberry and a Galaxy Note (!) but I don’t use them to make calls. I so don’t.

On a typical day, my phone logs would show you that I hardly call up anyone.  However, if people call me up and if I choose to talk to them, I can’t put the phone down primarily because I don’t know how to. They think that I enjoy talking to them (which sort of works for me!) but I swear I don’t know how to end up the conversation.

As geeky as it sounds, I prefer the digital world where typing a “brb” is so less intimidating. It just conveys so much in so few letters..it is almost surreal! May be, that’s the reason it is called a virtual world. In real world, it is not so simple.

In my head, I have practiced so many times to say “Bye, I will call you back”, “Bye, Nice talking to you” etc. etc. but in reality, my tongue fails me every single time.  Now, don’t get me wrong! I am not a timid little girl who can’t put her thoughts across. I am actually the opposite of that. I truly consider myself very straightforward.  Having said that, I am highly ill at ease at ending up the phone conversation. For some weird reasons, I find it too abrupt, too barbaric, and too rude to say bye on phone.

Even if my cell battery is conking off, I am actually in a tunnel or someone else is continuously calling me up on the other line, I still won’t hang up. I would wait perpetually for the other person to end the call. And, then I am amazed at how easily they do that. It really doesn’t take them more than a second to say bye! It is indeed simple and only right.

While I can’t find the reason behind this bye-o-phobia of mine, I am learning to include this word in my phone conversation.  For instance, I have started telling people (a lot reluctantly and in an apologetic tone though) that I would hang up as I have to pee.

So, at the risk of defaming my bladder, I am doing my bit!

Bowel Movements!

Of all the movements, the single most critically touching (quite literally!) and (b)utterly important to mankind is that of the bowels. If it is too fast, it results in loose “stuff”; if it is too slow, the result is opposite – both ‘poop-ingly’ taxing. It has to be just right, every day, every time.

While Indian gurus have emphasized a  lot on the importance of this shitty (again literally) topic, but an average Indian still thinks his crap is a-product-of-Uranus and is not very comfortable talking about it. Either we joke about it or we find it gross, but we don’t talk about it as a matter of fact.  Personally, I belong to the former category. Even after so many years into liberalization, we still don’t own up the farts which we release!

Believe it or not, 2 gastroenterology fellows in Yale have published a book on “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” The book comes with a serious message about the importance of preventing colon cancer, the second deadliest cancer in the United States; but that is beyond the scope of this blog entry.

I have chosen to write on this topic because I have just recovered from 2 diarrhea attacks followed by something which my doctor suspects could be piles!! I have gone through the whole cycle of denial to weakness to pain and finally, acceptance.

Every day’s morning activity has become an ordeal, the rightly named “Hell’s candy” refuses to come out of my body without giving me ample pain. I just have to endure and endure I will, but not silently. Apart from taking regular medicines, applying ointments (during office hours) at you know which places and drinking lots of fluids, I have devised some ways of bargaining with it:

• I have stopped making any jokes on it whatsoever.
• I have stopped calling it by its Hindi name.
• I have started keeping my bathroom spic and span, which may entice it to come faster!
• I have taken it out once (albeit in a small wrapped box) so that it could see the outer world.

I am doing my bit so that it becomes all healthy again, enabling me to flush it every morning without grimace!

Slant Rhyme!

Creativity is fine, time is mine
But they say you won't shine

Work is there, balance is where
And they tell its just a layer

Life is good, things are many
But they say save some penny

Friends are gay, black is grey
And they tell not THE way

Smiles flow, relationship mends
But they say wait till this ends

Love galore, rock and roll
I say lets fuck it all!
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One of those ironies of India

Only in India where 
multi-millionaires siphon off moolah from poor but a building guard lends you his money to pay your rickshaw bill


Only in India where 
you can kill and roam freely but keeping more than 2 litres of liquor at your home can get you jailed

Only in India where
a Cornell educated, 28 years old has never cast vote but her illiterate maid has never missed one

Only in India where 
infidelity is evil but Lord Krishna is being worshipped

Only in India where 
talking about gay rights is a crime but its father of nation is a bi

Only in India where 
condoms are unheard of but homosexuality can be treated by drinking water

Only in India where 
majority can't buy a handful of food-grains but everyone knows about the tariff schemes of Tata Docomo


Only in India where 
life does not have a rhythm but everyone sings and dances to the tunes in their heads!

10 things I wish I knew when I was 18!

1. Peace, respect and dignity are not directly proportional to great education. The equation is reverse.  Great education won’t take me to places; rather it would just make me stronger to take piss from my boss.
2. There is no such thing as I-won’t-get-fat; wrong (eating) habits would certainly make me fat one day.
3. I won’t invent any cool gadget in my career; I would just be content using other great men’s discoveries.
4. I will never own a private jet. I would just fly economy class all my life and be happy about it.
5. Spending money would be as tough as earning it.
6. People do care a shit about how one carries oneself. They most definitely judge others.
7. I would never be able to see all the exotic places in the world. Heck, seeing all the places in India is a remote possibility.
8. There are several things which are impossible. Quitting one’s job tops that list.
9. Patience is really a virtue, and I won’t acquire it just like that (read when I turn 25). 
10. The concept of arranged marriages would not become obsolete for our generation.  It is here to stay for innumerable years!

Growing Old is Mandatory; Growing Up is Optional...!

You know you are growing old when you start using a cork opener to open a tender cocunut.

You know you are growing old when reaching home early amounts to finishing off your laundry!

You know you are growing old when you start checking your official mails first thing on a Sunday morning.

You know you are growing old when you start adding friends' birthday reminders in your outlook calendar.

You know you are growing old when your mood spoils terribly if the maid is on leave.

You know you are growing old when you plan the number of drinks you would have before going to a party.

You know you are growing old when your white/grey tresses don't bother you. Rather, you show it to your friends.

You know you are growing old when your back hurts if you sleep on a couch.

You know you are growing old when the balance in your Savings Account is never too low.

You know you are growing old when your wallet has a loyalty card of Big Bazaar and Reliance Fresh!

You know you are growing old when you charge your cellphones every night without fail.

You know you are growing old when you start planning your day while crapping in the morning.

You know you are growing old when you can't make it to the Ice Lounge even if you bought the coupons a month back.

You know you are growing old when your imminent 28th birthday reminds you of the 'Big 3 O'!

Well, I wonder if I am growing old or growing up?!