Bowel Movements!

Of all the movements, the single most critically touching (quite literally!) and (b)utterly important to mankind is that of the bowels. If it is too fast, it results in loose “stuff”; if it is too slow, the result is opposite – both ‘poop-ingly’ taxing. It has to be just right, every day, every time.

While Indian gurus have emphasized a  lot on the importance of this shitty (again literally) topic, but an average Indian still thinks his crap is a-product-of-Uranus and is not very comfortable talking about it. Either we joke about it or we find it gross, but we don’t talk about it as a matter of fact.  Personally, I belong to the former category. Even after so many years into liberalization, we still don’t own up the farts which we release!

Believe it or not, 2 gastroenterology fellows in Yale have published a book on “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” The book comes with a serious message about the importance of preventing colon cancer, the second deadliest cancer in the United States; but that is beyond the scope of this blog entry.

I have chosen to write on this topic because I have just recovered from 2 diarrhea attacks followed by something which my doctor suspects could be piles!! I have gone through the whole cycle of denial to weakness to pain and finally, acceptance.

Every day’s morning activity has become an ordeal, the rightly named “Hell’s candy” refuses to come out of my body without giving me ample pain. I just have to endure and endure I will, but not silently. Apart from taking regular medicines, applying ointments (during office hours) at you know which places and drinking lots of fluids, I have devised some ways of bargaining with it:

• I have stopped making any jokes on it whatsoever.
• I have stopped calling it by its Hindi name.
• I have started keeping my bathroom spic and span, which may entice it to come faster!
• I have taken it out once (albeit in a small wrapped box) so that it could see the outer world.

I am doing my bit so that it becomes all healthy again, enabling me to flush it every morning without grimace!