Bye-o-phobia!

There are just 2 types of people- one who know how to gracefully end a phone call conversation and the one who don’t.  There is no overlap between the two, just an awful lot of failed attempts by the latter to come in the former group. But, for all practical purposes, the barrier separating the 2 categories is insurmountable.

I am writing this out of my personal experiences. To begin with, I am not a phone person. Though I am a proud owner of a Blackberry and a Galaxy Note (!) but I don’t use them to make calls. I so don’t.

On a typical day, my phone logs would show you that I hardly call up anyone.  However, if people call me up and if I choose to talk to them, I can’t put the phone down primarily because I don’t know how to. They think that I enjoy talking to them (which sort of works for me!) but I swear I don’t know how to end up the conversation.

As geeky as it sounds, I prefer the digital world where typing a “brb” is so less intimidating. It just conveys so much in so few letters..it is almost surreal! May be, that’s the reason it is called a virtual world. In real world, it is not so simple.

In my head, I have practiced so many times to say “Bye, I will call you back”, “Bye, Nice talking to you” etc. etc. but in reality, my tongue fails me every single time.  Now, don’t get me wrong! I am not a timid little girl who can’t put her thoughts across. I am actually the opposite of that. I truly consider myself very straightforward.  Having said that, I am highly ill at ease at ending up the phone conversation. For some weird reasons, I find it too abrupt, too barbaric, and too rude to say bye on phone.

Even if my cell battery is conking off, I am actually in a tunnel or someone else is continuously calling me up on the other line, I still won’t hang up. I would wait perpetually for the other person to end the call. And, then I am amazed at how easily they do that. It really doesn’t take them more than a second to say bye! It is indeed simple and only right.

While I can’t find the reason behind this bye-o-phobia of mine, I am learning to include this word in my phone conversation.  For instance, I have started telling people (a lot reluctantly and in an apologetic tone though) that I would hang up as I have to pee.

So, at the risk of defaming my bladder, I am doing my bit!

Bowel Movements!

Of all the movements, the single most critically touching (quite literally!) and (b)utterly important to mankind is that of the bowels. If it is too fast, it results in loose “stuff”; if it is too slow, the result is opposite – both ‘poop-ingly’ taxing. It has to be just right, every day, every time.

While Indian gurus have emphasized a  lot on the importance of this shitty (again literally) topic, but an average Indian still thinks his crap is a-product-of-Uranus and is not very comfortable talking about it. Either we joke about it or we find it gross, but we don’t talk about it as a matter of fact.  Personally, I belong to the former category. Even after so many years into liberalization, we still don’t own up the farts which we release!

Believe it or not, 2 gastroenterology fellows in Yale have published a book on “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” The book comes with a serious message about the importance of preventing colon cancer, the second deadliest cancer in the United States; but that is beyond the scope of this blog entry.

I have chosen to write on this topic because I have just recovered from 2 diarrhea attacks followed by something which my doctor suspects could be piles!! I have gone through the whole cycle of denial to weakness to pain and finally, acceptance.

Every day’s morning activity has become an ordeal, the rightly named “Hell’s candy” refuses to come out of my body without giving me ample pain. I just have to endure and endure I will, but not silently. Apart from taking regular medicines, applying ointments (during office hours) at you know which places and drinking lots of fluids, I have devised some ways of bargaining with it:

• I have stopped making any jokes on it whatsoever.
• I have stopped calling it by its Hindi name.
• I have started keeping my bathroom spic and span, which may entice it to come faster!
• I have taken it out once (albeit in a small wrapped box) so that it could see the outer world.

I am doing my bit so that it becomes all healthy again, enabling me to flush it every morning without grimace!

Slant Rhyme!

Creativity is fine, time is mine
But they say you won't shine

Work is there, balance is where
And they tell its just a layer

Life is good, things are many
But they say save some penny

Friends are gay, black is grey
And they tell not THE way

Smiles flow, relationship mends
But they say wait till this ends

Love galore, rock and roll
I say lets fuck it all!
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One of those ironies of India

Only in India where 
multi-millionaires siphon off moolah from poor but a building guard lends you his money to pay your rickshaw bill


Only in India where 
you can kill and roam freely but keeping more than 2 litres of liquor at your home can get you jailed

Only in India where
a Cornell educated, 28 years old has never cast vote but her illiterate maid has never missed one

Only in India where 
infidelity is evil but Lord Krishna is being worshipped

Only in India where 
talking about gay rights is a crime but its father of nation is a bi

Only in India where 
condoms are unheard of but homosexuality can be treated by drinking water

Only in India where 
majority can't buy a handful of food-grains but everyone knows about the tariff schemes of Tata Docomo


Only in India where 
life does not have a rhythm but everyone sings and dances to the tunes in their heads!

10 things I wish I knew when I was 18!

1. Peace, respect and dignity are not directly proportional to great education. The equation is reverse.  Great education won’t take me to places; rather it would just make me stronger to take piss from my boss.
2. There is no such thing as I-won’t-get-fat; wrong (eating) habits would certainly make me fat one day.
3. I won’t invent any cool gadget in my career; I would just be content using other great men’s discoveries.
4. I will never own a private jet. I would just fly economy class all my life and be happy about it.
5. Spending money would be as tough as earning it.
6. People do care a shit about how one carries oneself. They most definitely judge others.
7. I would never be able to see all the exotic places in the world. Heck, seeing all the places in India is a remote possibility.
8. There are several things which are impossible. Quitting one’s job tops that list.
9. Patience is really a virtue, and I won’t acquire it just like that (read when I turn 25). 
10. The concept of arranged marriages would not become obsolete for our generation.  It is here to stay for innumerable years!

Growing Old is Mandatory; Growing Up is Optional...!

You know you are growing old when you start using a cork opener to open a tender cocunut.

You know you are growing old when reaching home early amounts to finishing off your laundry!

You know you are growing old when you start checking your official mails first thing on a Sunday morning.

You know you are growing old when you start adding friends' birthday reminders in your outlook calendar.

You know you are growing old when your mood spoils terribly if the maid is on leave.

You know you are growing old when you plan the number of drinks you would have before going to a party.

You know you are growing old when your white/grey tresses don't bother you. Rather, you show it to your friends.

You know you are growing old when your back hurts if you sleep on a couch.

You know you are growing old when the balance in your Savings Account is never too low.

You know you are growing old when your wallet has a loyalty card of Big Bazaar and Reliance Fresh!

You know you are growing old when you charge your cellphones every night without fail.

You know you are growing old when you start planning your day while crapping in the morning.

You know you are growing old when you can't make it to the Ice Lounge even if you bought the coupons a month back.

You know you are growing old when your imminent 28th birthday reminds you of the 'Big 3 O'!

Well, I wonder if I am growing old or growing up?!

Get ready!

Since I was a small girl, my parents used to tell me every single morning to get “ready”; now all my relatives and friends are saying the same. The only difference is they meant getting ready for going to the school, others mean getting ready for marriage. My marriage..and that too an arranged one!! Things could not be scarier.

But, apparently I have not changed a bit in all these days. I still hate this saddest word in the English language as much as I used to hate it 20 years back. No, I am not ready for anything in life; least of all marriage! How can I possibly be ready for something which is so new, so different and so unpredictable?

I am a person of habits and the slightest amount of change disturbs me.  The change from being Miss to being Mrs., the change from being called didi to being called bhabhi, the change from being free to being married is surely gonna be one hell of a change. How can they expect me to be ready for it? What’s with the world?

I am not saying that I don’t believe in the institution of marriage. I do but till now it was someone else’s institution.  I had heard about it, read about it, witnessed it but I was never ready for it. I was a mere spectator.  Now, I am at the center stage.

I have this fear that very soon life will change forever. And change it will! Will that change be good? Well, I don’t know.

But, I have a plan of action. I would do everything I ever wanted to do in life.  I would go for a road trip covering the length and breadth of the country; I would spend one whole night at a beach; I would run the full marathon (on second thoughts, maybe a half marathon..heck, whatever); I would eat junk food one full night without feeling guilty; I would learn bartending, I would get a portrait done of myself..and possibly go to Vegas!

So, at some level am I getting ready? Well, yeah, maybe unknowingly I am.