The "XX" factor

What happens when one of your closest friends turns xx? It is right in your face; your bubble is broken, you are scared and you know it would happen to you too. In less than a year!

I have known this bubble burst-er cum birthday girl for a real long time now which looks like a lifetime already. I have seen her through thick and thin; thick as in her and thin as in me (!) 

We have been in different colleges, cities, countries, time zones..you name it! But, somehow we have managed to meet at the edges of these boundaries. Every single time!

In these 12 years that I have known her, she has played numerous roles in my life. One minute she would be my mother and teach me certain things that my mother can’t even dream of, the other instant she would become my worst critic, my metaphorical mum-in-law!

But, she would always have my back. And, I, well, I would never leave her back. Together we have evolved from being 18 years old college kids to rocking (!) professionals who still can’t stop giggling over random jokes on goats and ants.

She is a wrestler who has arm twisted me on more occasions than one; she is highly overwhelming who sits on my head to do things her way. She cracks stupid jokes and fights like a moron.

But, she also cries while watching vague movies and her heart melts over every perceivable problem on this earth. She likes a lot of people and loves a vast majority of them. She does manage to sparkle your heart with her smile.

She is sunshine one second and a big, cloudy storm the other.

You are many things, Anu. And, now one of them is a xx years old lady! Keep going as you have always done! Or, may be keep dragging. That’s what xx years old do anyway, right?

But, don’t worry. I shall meet you at the other side of the fence, really quick; like I have always done!

I don’t know what I wish for you on your xx^th, I know you will achieve anything you set your eyes on but I do wish for every 18 year old to find her Anu.

P.S. Find xx ;) 

Bundle of endless joy

As cheesy as it sounds, I call my 2 months old nephew “Junu”. Etymologically speaking, it is a cutely distorted form of “Jaanu”. And, jaanu he is! Not only for me but also for my entire extended tasteless family.  We address him with so many names (Kaanha, Chochu, Choti bitiya, Atta boy, Naanu, Kaaku) that perhaps only a Punjabi family is capable of; the meanings of all of which converge to a lovely, delightful tiny human!

Like an obsessive and super proud family unit, we monitor and discuss incessantly each and every activities of him. The highlights of our days are his rolling by 60 degrees all by himself or the way he stretches his feather-like body! Everyone keeps a count on the number of his daily burps, yawns or the little inaudible noises he makes.

We ask him random questions through the day and believe that our little genius has the answers to all of them. But, invariably he does answer our questions – his ear to ear smile is a yes and his disinterested look is a no. Judge us all you want to, but he is pretty consistent with his replies. Every single time! 

That’s my champ - a fast thinker, an intelligent analyst and an honest man.

Ever since he is born, he has enlightened me in more ways than one. I have started looking up to his parents; whom earlier I never thought worthy of much; primarily because they are his creators. And also they have done something which I couldn't do till now; not that I am trying any bit (!).

The way his cute little tushy endures the pains of vaccination injections (damn you, doctors) teaches me resilience; the way he expects milk from his mother’s breasts every single time he is hungry teaches me optimism; the way he clutches my fingers as soon as I touch his hands makes me appreciate the power of expressing true love and the way he makes nasty faces when I do certain things on his belly teaches me to how to convey discomfort without having to think twice.

He is so many things wired together in such a small frame.  A child is indeed the father of man.

I clearly remember that the first time I looked at his innocent face, touched his tender body; I knew there could be nothing as divine as him. Only later did I realize that he had indeed wetted my pants with his urine; but instead of being cranky, I accepted it and thought there was still some angelic quality (pH?) attached to it. I think that’s what ‘maasi-hood’ does to you.

It may sound funny but I think he completes me. Right now I am insanely, over the moon happy that he has happened to me.

He is so delicious. Next time I am home, I plan to eat him up.

I am a self proclaimed gadget freak. When I see a gadget, I have to definitely buy it. If I don’t, my whole body starts itching, I become sad and morose; and I lose the willingness to live and let others live. And, I almost always see one.With a bird’s eye view. 

Even at the time of writing this post, my handbag has 5 different gadgets and, mind you, all of them have a mutually exclusive purpose. Atleast, in my head.

For instance, if I have to text someone, I refuse to use any other applications but blackberry messenger. God forbid, if the other person doesn't have a blackberry; he/she will be belittled, laughed upon, abused and smacked by me. Indefinitely. Almost, to the point where he/she stops talking to me or ends up actually buying a blackberry! Mission accomplished.

Meanwhile, I remain super impressed with its qwerty keypad (I was heartbroken when they introduced touchscreens on their cellphones!), its sturdy & heavy body and its awesome feature of sending read receipts. Long live, RIM! Do not let others innovate you in any which way. You are best the way you are! In the texting silo that is.

I am also an avid reader and I have an insatiable appetite for books, other people’s writings, blogs,  opinions yada yada. And, I judge people who do all this on a computer or, for that matter, on a single device. Well, hello? There is a specialized piece of equipment for each of these things.

A book can be best read on a fantabulous e-book reader - like a shiny pink colored kindle and the other media content can only be consumed on touch sensitive devices like a Galaxy Note. You cannot and should not combine the two of them. It is criminal. It is equivalent to committing a digital sin!

And, what if you have to play a game or watch a Ted video? No points for guessing here. You most definitely need a bigger screen for it. iPad serves the purpose just fine. As an aside, I am still thinking of the utilities of iPad Mini. I am sure there would be numerous; I just have to dig further.

 But, if you want to listen to music, by no means can an iPad replace the beauty and sleekness of an iPod. The purists at Apple can claim anything but I find the audio quality of latter far better than the former. Besides, who doesn’t need a circular scroll-er to change the songs’ sequences? Shaking the device for that is so old school and pretty, tiring. Isn’t it?

I can go on and on as how I bought a USB based fan cooled -patent protected- ultra superior - computer table, a super elegant, oh-so-modern toolkit, and Chinese make dual SIM card supported TV cum mobile phone. And, how each one of these buys made me extremely happy (sometimes, the happiness didn’t last very long!); and how none of them was an impulse buy. Ever. But, guess you get the idea.

In my hearts of heart I know that every single time I bought something, it was only because my life had that gadget shaped void; the realization of which happened with the launch of those widgets!

Life as it happens!

4 strangers who touch my life everyday:

1) My auto-wallah – He is invariably the first person to call me up each morning.  He comes all the way from Mulund to Andheri and patiently waits outside my building every single day. While dropping me to my office, he entertains me with his stories which vary from his sex encounters (only with his wife!) to the mass destruction happening in Tanzania! His perspective is very different from mine and I feel enlightened when he speaks to me.

If you are reading it somehow, I am really glad you happened to me, Mr. Choubey! Couldn't have asked for a better chauffeur.

2) My cook – She is the one who wakes me up every morning. And, boy can she cook! She is definitely the second best cook in this world, obviously after my mother. Her specialty is to cook awesome food without many ingredients.

Even if we don’t have Aata at home, she still manages to cook delectable lunch. I think she steals raw materials from my neighbor’s house; nevertheless, it works for us.

I really owe my not-so-flat-stomach and delightful mood through the day to you, Deepa didi.

If gluttony is a sin, you have really made me a sinner. And, I am glad being one.

  

3) My Galaxy Note – Oh my note, I don’t think there was any better magnificent piece of architecture other than you! You beat Taj Mahal with your beauty, if I may say so.

You are really a source of endless information for me. You make me aware of the politics, sports, scandals, technology, videos..and the list goes on and on.

And, in the night when I am alone and I have this real strong urge to go incognito, my pal, you are still there for me.

You are really smart, amazingly intelligent and very touchy! With you in my bag, I swear I would never ever pay Apple tax in my life again.

4) Charlie Harper - Previously, there had been Joeys and Barneys in the entertainment world. And then came this super rocking dude called Charlie Harper.

 The real Charlie Sheen could be the epicenter of endless controversies, but Charlie Harper is so affable! He is very charming, extremely funny and oh-so-attractive.  

All you guys out there, even if you get just one percent of his wit and charm, I promise I would really marry you all (oops!).

I am indebted to Star World for arranging my date with him every night, before I go to sleep.

Sometimes, I wonder:

1. Who thought of the reply to “What’s up?” as “Nothing much” and then circulated it to every living soul of this country? How and when it became the standard reply?
2. Why were all the mushy feelings attributed to heart and not to, for instance, kidney or liver?
3. Who thought of rainy season as romantic; why was it universally accepted by all the poets? Had these poets never visited Bombay in monsoon season?
4. Why were Saturday and Sunday chosen as the weekly holidays? Wouldn’t it be more convenient if the weekly holidays were Wednesday and Sunday?
5. How did everyone in our country realize the importance of change money (chutte paise) that they never want to let them go? Was it taught by Gandhi as one of his talismans?
6. How did the generation of our parents and grandparents manage to look busy without computers in their offices? Did they keep refreshing the pages of the files kept on their desks?
7. Why ain’t all the days of a week of same duration? It would have been great if 24 hours of Monday were equal to 24 hours of Saturday.
8. Why is our to-do list not like drivers’? They never have any pending tasks for tomorrow.
9. How did we use to kill 15 seconds in an elevator in pre-cell phone days?
10. Why is it so important to end everything in multiples of 5 or 10? A lot of my grey cells would have been saved if I just ended this post with the first 9 points only!

Dedicated to someone who knows how to dream!

Often, we have fervently discussed about the corporate whores that we all are. There have been innumerable occasions when we all cribbed about our long work hours, bitched about our bosses, loathed our lives, cursed the Indian economy, hated our offices’ locations, abused anyone who used to enjoy his work..Heck, anything and everything related to our jobs.

At other times, in not so low spirits, we fantasized about leaving our fucking jobs; the mere thought of becoming the masters of our lives gave us our best orgasms ever! In our free times, we all have read about the journeys of several entrepreneurs, and instantly they became the Jim Morrisons of our lives. We subscribed to various entrepreneurial journals and magazines on our oh-so-cool cell phones and tablets (As an aside - we were able to afford them only because of our jobs!). We kept discussing about our virtual ventures and our innovative ideas with all our friends at every possible occasions. We had the logos and the names of our potential companies etched in our heads. Forget the reality; we were taking micro-steps towards realizing our dreams!

If not anything else, these ideas used to make interesting dinner table conversations. We used to get a few nods, encouraging smiles and some respite from our otherwise dull life. Only problem was we never had any timelines in mind to implement our ideas. And, deep down may be we didn't even have the courage to forgo the luxuries (read money) our jobs offered.

But, you, my friend, are different. Oh boy, you took that plunge and how! It is almost like losing your virginity to an extraordinarily beautiful, angelic, ever so charming, surreal vampire. Her touch is divine, love making with her is par excellence and you know you would just get one chance to do it. But, while you are at it, you may not know how risky it could be!

All I would say is, Go bro go, get laid! May you get the best sex of your life!

Bye-o-phobia!

There are just 2 types of people- one who know how to gracefully end a phone call conversation and the one who don’t.  There is no overlap between the two, just an awful lot of failed attempts by the latter to come in the former group. But, for all practical purposes, the barrier separating the 2 categories is insurmountable.

I am writing this out of my personal experiences. To begin with, I am not a phone person. Though I am a proud owner of a Blackberry and a Galaxy Note (!) but I don’t use them to make calls. I so don’t.

On a typical day, my phone logs would show you that I hardly call up anyone.  However, if people call me up and if I choose to talk to them, I can’t put the phone down primarily because I don’t know how to. They think that I enjoy talking to them (which sort of works for me!) but I swear I don’t know how to end up the conversation.

As geeky as it sounds, I prefer the digital world where typing a “brb” is so less intimidating. It just conveys so much in so few letters..it is almost surreal! May be, that’s the reason it is called a virtual world. In real world, it is not so simple.

In my head, I have practiced so many times to say “Bye, I will call you back”, “Bye, Nice talking to you” etc. etc. but in reality, my tongue fails me every single time.  Now, don’t get me wrong! I am not a timid little girl who can’t put her thoughts across. I am actually the opposite of that. I truly consider myself very straightforward.  Having said that, I am highly ill at ease at ending up the phone conversation. For some weird reasons, I find it too abrupt, too barbaric, and too rude to say bye on phone.

Even if my cell battery is conking off, I am actually in a tunnel or someone else is continuously calling me up on the other line, I still won’t hang up. I would wait perpetually for the other person to end the call. And, then I am amazed at how easily they do that. It really doesn’t take them more than a second to say bye! It is indeed simple and only right.

While I can’t find the reason behind this bye-o-phobia of mine, I am learning to include this word in my phone conversation.  For instance, I have started telling people (a lot reluctantly and in an apologetic tone though) that I would hang up as I have to pee.

So, at the risk of defaming my bladder, I am doing my bit!